To keep this story going is not an easy thing to do but again I am feeling compelled to share my experience in a very truthful sometimes not very politically correct way regarding my feelings about my miscarriages and pregnancies. You can read my previous posts to better understand where I am on this journey….
I was like any woman who wanted to have more children but wasn’t having any luck. I was obsessed about it, internally. I would say “I’m trying not to think about it” but it was all I could think about.
Would it happen? When would it happen? We need it to happen on our expat assignment because our insurance has better coverage then back in the states. Why was it so easy for some and not for others? Why!? When?
Finally, months after the last miscarriage and no luck getting pregnant I had finally given up on the idea. We were in Chiang Mai visiting the hill tribe people. On our walk of the village, I saw a little chapel on the hill. I was drawn to the cross on top, not sure what kind of chapel it was I took my son up there to investigate. As we approached, I realized it’s a catholic church, although very small. I can’t help myself during our travels if we come up upon a church we must go in to pray.
We were alone so it was a good time to help my son practice his kneeling and we said a couple of Hail Mary’s, Glory Be, and Our Fathers. He did a great job and the moment was special for me to share that with my boy and to teach him a little something although he is so small and probably has no clue what we are doing. He was bored after a little bit and I asked my husband to give me a moment to pray alone.
I asked God to take away the want for another child. If it was in his plan for us to be a family of three, please help me to be content with what I have and not longing for something else. I asked him to bless my family and to work his will in my life. The sign of the cross was made and I walked out.
After that, I seemed calmer. I said before I had handed the situation over to God but maybe this time I really had. I actually had stopped thinking about it. I was finally content. My son is a real blessing and I finally started thanking God for my little family of three. That was that. Three is a good number.
Then all of that changed with a positive pregnancy test. I cried. I wanted to throw up. A positive pregnancy test means we got what we wanted. A positive pregnancy test also meant this could be miscarriage number 4. Instead of my mind going automatically to the excitement and love and all that stuff you are supposed to feel with a positive pregnancy test, I was actually a little upset.
God, I had just accepted my situation! What if this one ends in another miscarriage!? What am I going to do? I don’t think I can mentally handle another one.
Instead of happiness, the enemy consumed me with fear. When I realized what I was saying and thinking, I stopped. Fear isn’t from God. This child is from God regardless of how it may turn out. There is a plan here like there was a plan for the others.
“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. “
2 Timothy 1:7
I thought about God’s plan, clearly I will never know his plan but I thought about the perfect timing of his plans. This child will be born beginning of October. This will give us just enough time to get a passport and 2 month vaccinations, to where we can board a plane when the child is about 2 months 2 weeks old to make our final move home. We still benefit from having this child on our expat assignment with the expat insurance and we will still get to be home for Christmas (as our plan goes at the moment). The grandparents get a grandchild in their arms at the very soonest we can get there. We get to start our lives over on our new adventure as a family of four.
The absolute perfect timing.