Babies & expectations like oil & water

It’s taken me a while and I am still not very good at it but I try and remove all expectations in my life. It helps with anger, frustration, and really a mix of emotions. Nothing bad can happen and there really is no worry if you don’t have a set expectation on how a situation might turn out or on how a person should act. Don’t get me wrong, basic human courtesy and manners are two things not all cultures understand and that still upsets me because I will always have the expectation that people should be decent but I digress…

There is one thing I have learned in my short amount of time being a parent and that is having expectations on how anything in life with children should go is ridiculous. I expected to be able to breastfeed my son when he was born. I had no clue there was a possibility or really even an option that it would not work out. I am a woman, I had a baby, and boobs should make milk… expectations… I expected all would be right with the world and I would save money! Nope that didn’t work out and what happens when you have expectations? Your hopes and dreams (only for that situation) go down in flames. I then had the expectation I could get pregnant again. I expect that I am young, I have a husband, I don’t do drugs, I am healthy, and why wouldn’t I be able to get pregnant again? Again…. wrong… three times over… well I could get pregnant I guess the expectation was that keeping a baby throughout an entire pregnancy would be the easy part…. Nope. Hopes and dreams dashed upon the rocks. Then BAM! We’re pregnant again. This time, I have removed all expectations on if it would actually come to fruition. Will it work out? Who knows? I didn’t expect anything to go in any particular way and surprisingly there was much less stress and worry (it was still there but less).

I did however have expectations on how I would give birth this go around. I just assumed another natural birth (with the pain meds) would happen. I expected this child and her birth would be similar to that of my sons but apparently not. I didn’t expect for this baby to be breech. I didn’t expect for this baby to only have one umbilical cord artery. I didn’t expect that with an entire pregnancy of normal growth and ultrasound reports to hear today that at 37 weeks she is only 2.6kg. I didn’t expect to have to have a scheduled C-section next week… but it’s all happening. My expectations were not met. Am I upset about the c-section? Not really. My plan ultimately is to have a kid that is alive and well come labor time. Am I worried about the low birth weight? Sure I am but that’s probably normal given the situation with the single umbilical cord artery.

I said I tried to remove expectations from my life and it looks like I haven’t done that great of a job doing so. However, I do expect God to be with me during all of this and I know that to be true.

Friends & family: We ask for your prayers for our daughter, the doctors, our peace of mind and for a speedy recovery.

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4 things no pregnant lady has ever said in Bangkok

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Just a lighthearted post of being pregnant in Bangkok.

  1. What a beautiful day! It’s the perfect weather.

That’s because no matter the month Bangkok is hot. You can have sticky heat, humid heat, pouring sweat heat, heat that makes your skin burn, hot rain, hot wind, the list goes on and on. It’s hot but the best part is you can wear shorts all the time. Also it’s not a big deal if you look like a pregnant hot mess because everyone else in this city is looking like a hot mess.

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My Blessing 

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I didn’t realize the journey to growing a family would be difficult. I never really put much thought into it. You see people having kids all the time and in the worst cases kids having kids! From what I saw, I thought if you wanted a baby it happens. Culturally, as a young couple it seems you’re trying to avoid a pregnancy in the beginning because “there are things you have to do, places to see, careers to build” and so on.

It took a while, a lot of tears, and a tests of faith but it finally happened. We are pregnant again. This child is such a huge part of our lives already we wanted to pick a name that would forever mean something to all of us.

Prayers answered and fears realized

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To keep this story going is not an easy thing to do but again I am feeling compelled to share my experience in a very truthful sometimes not very politically correct way regarding my feelings about my miscarriages and pregnancies.  You can read my previous posts to better understand where I am on this journey….

I was like any woman who wanted to have more children but wasn’t having any luck. I was obsessed about it, internally. I would say “I’m trying not to think about it” but it was all I could think about.

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Maybe we are crazy…

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But we are going to try again for another baby…

Sometimes life just happens. Miscarriages happen for no real reason other than it’s the body’s way of natural selection due to an embryo that is not strong enough to survive. Then again there are times when some of us find out we have issues. Problems going on inside of us that we have no idea about or control over; these issues make it more difficult for us to have children. It’s sometimes hard for me to imagine the possibility of not having another child or really just not being able to. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that you are healthy, financially established, your family is ready to add another person, all of the stars and planets seem aligned but you just can’t make it happen.

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Trouble in Paradise

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“I have a 9 month old, who cries all the time, who is not an “easy” baby. He doesn’t sleep… What have I done? Why am I a mom? What was God thinking? Clearly he was confused because this is not me! I am not the mommy type. I will never have another kid! This is insane! Why would anyone have more than one?

Wait a second… wasn’t I supposed to have my period already? Wait… it’s been… O GOOD GOD! I’M LATE! NO NO NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT… I am just stressed. I have a kid, who is clearly manic, that would cause anyone to miss their period! Yes that’s it. Maybe I should take a test? No… I don’t need a test I am sure it will come tomorrow… but it would be nice to know if I am… Where is that freaking pregnancy test!? D*&% it! Where is that thing!? I have to do this while the kid is napping for 5 minutes; its instant results that should be fast enough. Ok found the test… take a breath… here we go.”

One minute goes by: “No. No. No. That is not a line. Nope.” I start to shake it like a Polaroid picture to make that extra line go away. “O MY GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! WE CAN’T BE PREGNANT! WE USE NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! NO!”

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