Category Archives: Surviving Infertility

 Babies & expectations like oil & water

It’s taken me a while and I am still not very good at it but I try and remove all expectations in my life. It helps with anger, frustration, and really a mix of emotions. Nothing bad can happen and there really is no worry if you don’t have a set expectation on how a situation might turn out or on how a person should act. Don’t get me wrong, basic human courtesy and manners are two things not all cultures understand and that still upsets me because I will always have the expectation that people should be decent but I digress…

There is one thing I have learned in my short amount of time being a parent and that is having expectations on how anything in life with children should go is ridiculous. I expected to be able to breastfeed my son when he was born. I had no clue there was a possibility or really even an option that it would not work out. I am a woman, I had a baby, and boobs should make milk… expectations… I expected all would be right with the world and I would save money! Nope that didn’t work out and what happens when you have expectations? Your hopes and dreams (only for that situation) go down in flames. I then had the expectation I could get pregnant again. I expect that I am young, I have a husband, I don’t do drugs, I am healthy, and why wouldn’t I be able to get pregnant again? Again…. wrong… three times over… well I could get pregnant I guess the expectation was that keeping a baby throughout an entire pregnancy would be the easy part…. Nope. Hopes and dreams dashed upon the rocks. Then BAM! We’re pregnant again. This time, I have removed all expectations on if it would actually come to fruition. Will it work out? Who knows? I didn’t expect anything to go in any particular way and surprisingly there was much less stress and worry (it was still there but less).

I did however have expectations on how I would give birth this go around. I just assumed another natural birth (with the pain meds) would happen. I expected this child and her birth would be similar to that of my sons but apparently not. I didn’t expect for this baby to be breech. I didn’t expect for this baby to only have one umbilical cord artery. I didn’t expect that with an entire pregnancy of normal growth and ultrasound reports to hear today that at 37 weeks she is only 2.6kg. I didn’t expect to have to have a scheduled C-section next week… but it’s all happening. My expectations were not met. Am I upset about the c-section? Not really. My plan ultimately is to have a kid that is alive and well come labor time. Am I worried about the low birth weight? Sure I am but that’s probably normal given the situation with the single umbilical cord artery.

I said I tried to remove expectations from my life and it looks like I haven’t done that great of a job doing so. However, I do expect God to be with me during all of this and I know that to be true.

Friends & family: We ask for your prayers for our daughter, the doctors, our peace of mind and for a speedy recovery.

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My Blessing 

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I didn’t realize the journey to growing a family would be difficult. I never really put much thought into it. You see people having kids all the time and in the worst cases kids having kids! From what I saw, I thought if you wanted a baby it happens. Culturally, as a young couple it seems you’re trying to avoid a pregnancy in the beginning because “there are things you have to do, places to see, careers to build” and so on.

It took a while, a lot of tears, and a tests of faith but it finally happened. We are pregnant again. This child is such a huge part of our lives already we wanted to pick a name that would forever mean something to all of us.

Prayers answered and fears realized

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To keep this story going is not an easy thing to do but again I am feeling compelled to share my experience in a very truthful sometimes not very politically correct way regarding my feelings about my miscarriages and pregnancies.  You can read my previous posts to better understand where I am on this journey….

I was like any woman who wanted to have more children but wasn’t having any luck. I was obsessed about it, internally. I would say “I’m trying not to think about it” but it was all I could think about.

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The Twist: The Infertility Story Continues

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You know the part of the story when all of a sudden the writer throws in a curve ball. Just when we have been following along and we think we know exactly what’s coming next there is a sudden twist in the plot that makes you go “yup… Didn’t see that coming…”. That is my favorite part about and good movie; the point where my jaw drops and I am utterly floored at what just happened. Well that happened the other day with my test results at my doctor’s appointment.

I had prepared myself for the worst case scenario, with three miscarriages you can’t help but become skeptical or rather we will call it cautiously optimistic. I mean give me a break after three miscarriages the doctor even says something must not be right and we need to figure out what it is.

Chris and I had gone for blood work a couple of weeks before to check our chromosomes and my antibodies. The doctor invites me into his office and asks where Chris is, which makes me think “o great it must be bad news…” I tell him that he couldn’t get off work but I will relay the information to him. He agrees and starts in on the results.

“Becky your chromosomes are normal- no issues at all. Chris has no issues with his chromosomes either.” A huge smile forms on my face, “that’s great news so that means we are good on that end!?” He agrees and says “let’s continue with the results”.

I think to myself that he is so serious this must be where we have a problem with the antibodies. We go through the many pages and he tells me that I am negative for all possible antibodies. “What? So no problems?” He says “now we will do the ultrasound and see what’s going on.”

Here comes the ultrasound, this is where the problem will be I think to myself. He proceeds with the ultrasound and informs me that I am currently ovulating and everything looks normal. He then checks the lining of my uterus (if there is a problem here the baby can not implant properly causing a miscarriage). He said “see this? You have a very good uterus. No problems here at all.”

I want to talk more but he instructs me to get dressed and we will discuss. I sit back down in his office and I ask him “so there is no medical reason why this is happening?” And he says he is sorry but with all the tests there are no problems. I am totally healthy! He instructs me to come back to him as soon as I have a positive pregnancy test to get a prescription for progesterone.

I thank him and walk out. I walk out with a huge smile on my face! I don’t need a reason as to why it happened. With the tests, I know it wasn’t me or my fault; I am not broken (I am fearfully and wonderfully made!). You have no idea what a relief this for me. I thanked God for my good health and I realize this was all part of his plan. Each miscarriage brought me closer to him and my faith. Each occurrence has completely changed my view on life and “his ultimate plan” for me and my family. I trust him now more than I ever have before. He needs me to be in this state of obedience to guide me to his ultimate purpose for my life.

I trust his plan. I trust one day a baby will come along. I will be content in my current situation and thank him everyday for what he has given me- a beautiful little boy that makes everyday worth living to the fullest.

Your continued prayers and support are appreciated.

Maybe we are crazy…

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But we are going to try again for another baby…

Sometimes life just happens. Miscarriages happen for no real reason other than it’s the body’s way of natural selection due to an embryo that is not strong enough to survive. Then again there are times when some of us find out we have issues. Problems going on inside of us that we have no idea about or control over; these issues make it more difficult for us to have children. It’s sometimes hard for me to imagine the possibility of not having another child or really just not being able to. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that you are healthy, financially established, your family is ready to add another person, all of the stars and planets seem aligned but you just can’t make it happen.

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The Peace Which Only God Can Give

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The last post was very difficult to write. It is just so right now and hard to process but I do know when I pray for peace God will always provide. It’s always hard to go through a loss but at the moment I am not mourning my baby. I do believe I have three angels waiting for me in Heaven; I will see them again.

Weeks ago, before the bad news was confirmed, as I prayed I had promised I would accept God’s plan for my life without complaint. I am mourning the loss of joy, the loss of normal. I have been feeling very sad, which is not a normal emotion for me; I’m usually pretty happy. I don’t think it’s depression but grief. Every day when Killi is away at therapy for the past week, I would nap. Yesterday, I realized this is what was keeping me down. Instead of praying, reading, getting out of the house or doing anything that might help this situation I would try to sleep the feelings away. Clearly this does not work… As I lay in the bed yesterday afternoon just wishing for normal to come back into my life and to feel happy again, I realized I had to take the first step. I read an article which helped me to see that God needs us to help ourselves a little (read the article here if you are interested).

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Life is full of …

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Disappointments but it’s also full of beauty.

The first miscarriage was difficult to understand being so young. The second miscarriage was a nightmare. Luckily, that is all over now.  I would say there will always be a hole in my heart and it will always hurt but I have accepted what has happened and have moved on.

The second miscarriage was so traumatic; we had no desire to try for another kid anytime soon. We needed time to heal. Then all of a sudden around February the baby bug had bit me. I started to ask if Chris was ready, he was hesitant but then one day he was ready to have another kid.

That’s why this third miscarriage has been more difficult for us. This was the first time in our marriage we had started planning for a kid. We wanted to grow our family. With each month that passed, as we were trying there were tears as “that time of the month” came around signaling there was no baby. Then one day, we had a positive pregnancy test.

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Redemption

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I told you an awful but very true story of what happened with my second loss in 2013. I had to share that with you so you can know that even in our darkest hour there is redemption around the corner.

I always allow myself to be there for others when they need help. It’s just what I do. I want to help everyone but I don’t want anyone to help me. Whether I do not feel worthy of help or my pride tells me you can handle it alone or I just don’t want to be a burden on someone; I keep a lot of things bottled up, buried deep down and I hardly cry… It shows weakness. I prefer the emotion of anger, well I don’t really like being angry but that’s where my emotions go automatically. I don’t cry; I get pissed and then I get raging mad. This doesn’t happen like it used to before I let Christ back into my life. But with this awful experience, rage reared its ugly head and I had thought Satan had almost won.

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You can’t be serious

With my second miscarriage, I will have two stories to share with you. This post will be about my horrific experience with the hospital and doctor. What you read here will make you cringe and you might even read it and think “there is no way this is real. She has to be exaggerating.” My story is so insane; I wish I was making it all up. It haunts me to this day even though it was a year ago.

I have to share with you the suffering and hell I went through to explain (in the second part of this story) the redemption and how my faith saved me from falling into the abyss of despair. I have never been so close to giving up on my faith. Thank God my cousin, Whitney, was there to pull me back at the right moment.

So let’s begin shall we with the story of the most horrific medical experience of my life and if we were in the States I would have a lawsuit that would set me up financially for a very long time.

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Trouble in Paradise

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“I have a 9 month old, who cries all the time, who is not an “easy” baby. He doesn’t sleep… What have I done? Why am I a mom? What was God thinking? Clearly he was confused because this is not me! I am not the mommy type. I will never have another kid! This is insane! Why would anyone have more than one?

Wait a second… wasn’t I supposed to have my period already? Wait… it’s been… O GOOD GOD! I’M LATE! NO NO NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT… I am just stressed. I have a kid, who is clearly manic, that would cause anyone to miss their period! Yes that’s it. Maybe I should take a test? No… I don’t need a test I am sure it will come tomorrow… but it would be nice to know if I am… Where is that freaking pregnancy test!? D*&% it! Where is that thing!? I have to do this while the kid is napping for 5 minutes; its instant results that should be fast enough. Ok found the test… take a breath… here we go.”

One minute goes by: “No. No. No. That is not a line. Nope.” I start to shake it like a Polaroid picture to make that extra line go away. “O MY GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! WE CAN’T BE PREGNANT! WE USE NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! NO!”

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