Author Archives: beckyhorace

Life is full of …

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Disappointments but it’s also full of beauty.

The first miscarriage was difficult to understand being so young. The second miscarriage was a nightmare. Luckily, that is all over now.  I would say there will always be a hole in my heart and it will always hurt but I have accepted what has happened and have moved on.

The second miscarriage was so traumatic; we had no desire to try for another kid anytime soon. We needed time to heal. Then all of a sudden around February the baby bug had bit me. I started to ask if Chris was ready, he was hesitant but then one day he was ready to have another kid.

That’s why this third miscarriage has been more difficult for us. This was the first time in our marriage we had started planning for a kid. We wanted to grow our family. With each month that passed, as we were trying there were tears as “that time of the month” came around signaling there was no baby. Then one day, we had a positive pregnancy test.

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Redemption

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I told you an awful but very true story of what happened with my second loss in 2013. I had to share that with you so you can know that even in our darkest hour there is redemption around the corner.

I always allow myself to be there for others when they need help. It’s just what I do. I want to help everyone but I don’t want anyone to help me. Whether I do not feel worthy of help or my pride tells me you can handle it alone or I just don’t want to be a burden on someone; I keep a lot of things bottled up, buried deep down and I hardly cry… It shows weakness. I prefer the emotion of anger, well I don’t really like being angry but that’s where my emotions go automatically. I don’t cry; I get pissed and then I get raging mad. This doesn’t happen like it used to before I let Christ back into my life. But with this awful experience, rage reared its ugly head and I had thought Satan had almost won.

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You can’t be serious

With my second miscarriage, I will have two stories to share with you. This post will be about my horrific experience with the hospital and doctor. What you read here will make you cringe and you might even read it and think “there is no way this is real. She has to be exaggerating.” My story is so insane; I wish I was making it all up. It haunts me to this day even though it was a year ago.

I have to share with you the suffering and hell I went through to explain (in the second part of this story) the redemption and how my faith saved me from falling into the abyss of despair. I have never been so close to giving up on my faith. Thank God my cousin, Whitney, was there to pull me back at the right moment.

So let’s begin shall we with the story of the most horrific medical experience of my life and if we were in the States I would have a lawsuit that would set me up financially for a very long time.

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Trouble in Paradise

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“I have a 9 month old, who cries all the time, who is not an “easy” baby. He doesn’t sleep… What have I done? Why am I a mom? What was God thinking? Clearly he was confused because this is not me! I am not the mommy type. I will never have another kid! This is insane! Why would anyone have more than one?

Wait a second… wasn’t I supposed to have my period already? Wait… it’s been… O GOOD GOD! I’M LATE! NO NO NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT… I am just stressed. I have a kid, who is clearly manic, that would cause anyone to miss their period! Yes that’s it. Maybe I should take a test? No… I don’t need a test I am sure it will come tomorrow… but it would be nice to know if I am… Where is that freaking pregnancy test!? D*&% it! Where is that thing!? I have to do this while the kid is napping for 5 minutes; its instant results that should be fast enough. Ok found the test… take a breath… here we go.”

One minute goes by: “No. No. No. That is not a line. Nope.” I start to shake it like a Polaroid picture to make that extra line go away. “O MY GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! WE CAN’T BE PREGNANT! WE USE NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! NO!”

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Miracles: Apparently They Do Happen

killi and me

As most of you know, I cling to my faith to get me through the day to day; like a rat clinging to a piece of drift wood after the ship has been engulfed by the tossing sea. This is how I feel most of the time. I didn’t realize until a week ago, I had been a recipient of a miracle. As a Christian, I believe in miracles. I believe prayer changes things. I believe in divine intervention. I believe God is in control. I just never thought a miracle would ever happen to me…

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We talk in whispers

There is an issue that many people experience but very rarely will you find someone opening discussing the topic. To me it feels like a word that is so taboo that it must be whispered but this shouldn’t be the case.

Maybe because the topic is so raw, real, personal, devastating, and for some life long that it takes our breath away when we utter the word; making it a whisper that haunts our very soul.

The word is infertility. No one’s talking about it but a huge percent of people suffer from this.

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