Trouble in Paradise

killi and me 2

“I have a 9 month old, who cries all the time, who is not an “easy” baby. He doesn’t sleep… What have I done? Why am I a mom? What was God thinking? Clearly he was confused because this is not me! I am not the mommy type. I will never have another kid! This is insane! Why would anyone have more than one?

Wait a second… wasn’t I supposed to have my period already? Wait… it’s been… O GOOD GOD! I’M LATE! NO NO NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT… I am just stressed. I have a kid, who is clearly manic, that would cause anyone to miss their period! Yes that’s it. Maybe I should take a test? No… I don’t need a test I am sure it will come tomorrow… but it would be nice to know if I am… Where is that freaking pregnancy test!? D*&% it! Where is that thing!? I have to do this while the kid is napping for 5 minutes; its instant results that should be fast enough. Ok found the test… take a breath… here we go.”

One minute goes by: “No. No. No. That is not a line. Nope.” I start to shake it like a Polaroid picture to make that extra line go away. “O MY GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! WE CAN’T BE PREGNANT! WE USE NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! NO!”

Welcome to my internal dialogue on the day I found out I was pregnant for the second time. I was on the phone with my cousin after I had found out crying my eyes out. I wanted to be happy but all I could think was “CHRIS IS GOING TO KILL ME!” She reminded me “well didn’t he participate?” “Yea! You’re right! This is not my fault! He did this to me!”

I went through my NFP chart and just laughed at the entire process and how it was clearly not working for us because now we are having two kids. *Again, my sinful arrogance!* Clearly, I can get pregnant no problem! These people are crazy saying we can’t have babies!

I stopped crying for fear that I would wake up Killi. I just sat in silence and looked out the window. All I could think was God has made a mistake. I thought this guy didn’t make mistakes? Well he did today because this can’t be right. I am not a good mom! I feel like, no- I know I am a freaking disaster!

This was all happening in the beginning of 2012. My grandpa had just passed away and in the same 24 hours we found out we were pregnant. God’s timing was perfect. For a split second, the thought of new life as we lost a member of our family brought hope and eased the blow that knocked the wind out of all of us. I believed God had a plan and the plan was to have a baby heal all of the hurt that we were experiencing and it helped me through the loss.

In dealing with the loss of my grandpa, about a month later, something awful happened. We had friends visiting from out of town and I had started to spot. I kept telling myself “no big deal” because I know in the beginning of the pregnancy that can happen so I wasn’t too worried. Another day went by and I was still spotting but it seemed to be a little worse. I decided to go to the doctor just to make sure nothing was wrong. Chris was at work, Killian was at daycare, and I sat alone in the waiting room praying for someone to tell me “everything will be fine.”

They call me into the ultrasound room. I assume the position and the tech started the ultrasound. She is very quiet. I ask how the baby is doing. She asks me to wait just a moment and calls for the doctor. I still don’t know what is going on but I am starting to feel a little nervous. The doctor comes in and I am relieved to see it’s the same one who delivered Killian.

She sat beside me and looked at the monitor. She asked if I was sure on the date that we conceived. I was pretty sure, I at least knew around how many weeks had gone by. She looked at me with a very sad face and says “I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat.”

I can’t breathe and as my eyes well up with tears, I can’t even see her face.

“No, this can’t be right! We want a baby now. We are okay with the idea. The kids will be 18 months apart. They will be best friends. They will both be out of the house at the same time and in college together. The timing was perfect. We need this! The family needs this.”

In my disbelief, I ask “so it’s dead?” I ask her to check again and she confirms that it looks as if the baby just stopped growing. The worst part about all of this is that I am completely and utterly alone. I had no one in the waiting room waiting to hold me. I hadn’t needed anyone because I was sure that everything was fine. As the doctor concludes the exam, she expressed her deepest sympathies and left the room. I lay in the reclining chair in shock. The ultrasound tech tells me to take my time. As I stand up, I feel like I am in a dream.

“This can’t be happening. This isn’t happening.”  

I walk out to my car in a total haze and it hits me.

“I have just lost a child. I am the mom. I should be able to protect this baby. What did I do wrong? Why did this happen? What do I do now? Surgery in a couple of days? Why is this happening so fast? You have to breathe and drive home. Get it together BECKY!”

I was pretty upset. I would almost say depressed and I have never been depressed in my life. I would just sit, stare out the window, and not speak. I was angry at God. I didn’t talk to him for a while. I decided I would give Him the silent treatment. It took months later to realize it but God was with me in my darkest hour. He showed me love and grace through our friends and family. I just wanted to be left alone but this was the first time (I realized) God was showing me that He puts special people in our life for a reason. He sent me a friend that just sat with me for hours in silence after it happened and didn’t judge me when it was noon and I was drinking already. Another friend brought dinner and was there to listen when I was ready to talk about it. Then my mom and dad came to the rescue when it came time to have surgery because Chris was out of town on business (the worst time for his one business trip a year).

Although there was a lot of pain and suffering, He was using this opportunity to show me that I am never alone. He is always with me, even if I shut the door in His face because I can’t bear the thought of talking to Him when I am so mad. He listened to me and saw that I wasn’t ready to talk and sent me people that loved me to help me through it, hugged me as I cried, and didn’t judge me as I ate everything in sight and quite possibly drank a little too much to drown my sorrows.

We are never alone. God provides what we need even when we are to sinful, prideful, angry, and just too plain stupid to see it.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12



Previous posts in this series:



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