I told you an awful but very true story of what happened with my second loss in 2013. I had to share that with you so you can know that even in our darkest hour there is redemption around the corner.
I always allow myself to be there for others when they need help. It’s just what I do. I want to help everyone but I don’t want anyone to help me. Whether I do not feel worthy of help or my pride tells me you can handle it alone or I just don’t want to be a burden on someone; I keep a lot of things bottled up, buried deep down and I hardly cry… It shows weakness. I prefer the emotion of anger, well I don’t really like being angry but that’s where my emotions go automatically. I don’t cry; I get pissed and then I get raging mad. This doesn’t happen like it used to before I let Christ back into my life. But with this awful experience, rage reared its ugly head and I had thought Satan had almost won.
During the 6th week, when we had to wait for the 7th week appointment to see the heartbeat; I was praying like a mad man, saying my rosary at mass, begging every saint I could think of to pray for the life inside of me. I told God I would do whatever it takes to make sure this baby was ok! I promised I would do whatever He would ask of me just please save this life. I begged. I pleaded. I cried. I had no control. It was out of my hands. I had to wait and patience is not a fruit of the spirit the good Lord gave me…
(Warning: This is where I was losing my faith. This is not a pretty picture and I would say I have said many things that I will share with you here that I wish I had never said and I ask for forgiveness all the time for.) I was begging God to deliver me and this baby and all while that was happening I was dealing with this absolutely horrible doctor. How can I show love and patience to someone I want to strangle? As the awful experiences were happening and I get the news that there is no baby, all I can pray is “Why have you done this to me again!? What have I done to deserve this? I have done everything you have asked of me. I have given my life to you! I have answered your call and you turned your back on me.”
With the bad news came the love of Christ but I was too mad to see it. I was too angry to see that He was showing me love through my friends. I had Bangkok friends come out of the woodwork to show their support. I had friendships bloom in a way I never would have imagined. Just when I thought I was completely alone on the total opposite side of the world from everything I knew, God sent me angels in the form of other Bangkok expat moms. Some had experienced this before, some hadn’t, some sent dinner, some sent flowers, and my heart for a split second felt love through these amazing women who went out of their way to make sure I was ok. They were there with me every step of the way, up until it was time to go in for the D&C as one friend sat with me at the hospital until Chris arrived. God showed me love through friends. He was teaching me to lean on Him and lean on my friends. I didn’t want to be a burden to my friends but it was through their persistence, I realized I am not a burden and I am worthy of love and their support. Thank God for those women, I am not sure they know how much they mean to me but they saved me when I was almost lost.
After the bad experience where I should have kicked the doctor in the head was over, I felt as if a part of my soul had died. Every time I lose a baby I feel that way… This one was different than the last. I had put my faith in the “you’re young it won’t happen again.” I had put my (very wrongfully) faith in “I’m a good person! I’m not a crack head or abusive to my family! I don’t steal! I don’t cheat! There is no way God would let this happen to me again.” When Chris was home from the rugby weekend and I had a good long weekend to be sad and then very mad, I hit the rage point.
I sat on our couch and I screamed and yelled at God. I said some very bad words and called my entire belief system into question. I cried out “How could I believe in a God, who was letting this happen? How could I believe “it’s God’s plan… there is a reason for everything” when everything was so depressing and full of death?” Chris looked at me, with no judgment, and said “Where in the Bible does it say that because you are a good person bad things don’t happen to you? Doesn’t it say his followers will face many trials?” (My darling husband is always good for a pearl of wisdom here and there and when I need it most he says the perfect thing but please don’t tell him that it might give him a big head!) In my rage, I say “I don’t care! I don’t want to be a part of this anymore! I can’t do this anymore! My heart is broken!”
As I am crying and screaming out to God for an answer my phone gets an incoming text message. (Hello God. Are you there?) It’s my cousin, Whitney. She has no idea what was going on at that moment. The moment when Satan had almost won. I almost gave it all up in my anger. It was a bible verse. It read:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
(I am not even making this up.) I looked at Chris, he had no idea what it said, I looked back at the phone. I was staring into the black abyss of nothingness and I felt as if my cousin had pulled me back from the edge. That one text message brought me back to solid ground. Again, she will never know that she saved me that day- well she does now. I looked up with tears in my eyes (like I have now) and said “I hear you now. I’m sorry.” I looked back at Chris, I apologized for all the awful things I had said, I thanked him for his continuous love and support and went to my room and cried my eyes out until there were no more tears left in me.
After all of this and I had realized how wrong I was, I asked God to forgive me and take me back. I shook it all off and decided it was time to be at peace. With this peace came something even greater. I was able to share my faith with my friends who were there to support me. They asked how I was able to get out of the house so quickly after it happened and seem to be back to normal. I explained it was only by the grace of God that I was able to wake up and go through the next day. I said my faith keeps me going, and that opened the door to a conversation about what I believe and why I believe it.
I went home and prayed and it dawned on me that through all of my pain and suffering, if I was able to tell one friend about God’s grace and love then it was all worth it.
I share this with you so that you can know that God loves us. We can say awful things in anger and He still loves us with all of our flaws. Jesus is our Redeemer. I am writing these stories as me, no fluff, no filter, just Becky, the way God made me. He picked an imperfect soul, He picked a mommy who sometimes has a potty mouth (which I am doing much better at controlling with a toddler who wants to repeat things), a wife who can’t iron or cook that well, an impatient person most of the time, He picked me; a sinner.
I am an imperfect woman, mother, wife, and follower of Christ, who God decided to save in spite of all of the wrong that I do and all of the bad things I say. He loves me and He loves you. Please know that no matter how bad it seems, there is a reason for everything, even the bad stuff, and when you feel like you can’t take anymore know God is there holding you in the palm of His hand.
Previous posts in this series: