Yesterday the soap opera (get it like All My Children hahaha) that is my life with our nanny came to a close. Yesterday morning I went downstairs to our lobby to catch our 8am tuk tuk to the hospital for Killian’s dentist appointment and low and behold, I see my nanny sitting on the couch playing on her iPad. I am amazed since we didn’t know where or how she was since we had been calling her all day (the day before) and yesterday morning to see if she was ok. I say “Hey! What are you doing here!?” She just stares at me. I say “We have been trying to call you all day yesterday and this morning. Are you ok?” she says “Phone off. I sleep.” I ask “How am I supposed to get a hold of you if you keep your phone off?” I receive a blank stare. I explain I had to cancel my appointments because we didn’t know if she was coming in or not. She barks back at me “I told you I would be here today!” I said “No you didn’t. All I heard on the phone was “At doctor. Tummy hurt.” When I asked if you were coming in and/or to please call me to let me know if you would come in you hung up the phone.” She just looks at me as if I am the one with the problem. I ask if she is ok since she was at the doctor. She says “Yes. Doctor says I need to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.” My jaw drops. “You aren’t eating? (Please keep in mind as soon as she walks in the door in the morning I offer her breakfast. At lunch I offer her whatever I have in the house every single day and every day she says no I am ok. I check every day to see if she has eaten and she always says yes.) I stand up, visibly frustrated, shake my head, look down at my son in his stroller and walk away. She storms upstairs to do her work.

A couple of hours later, Killian and I are back from the dentist and I have cooled down a little. I have already decided that this isn’t going to work and ask Chris to come home early to let her go. Once I put Killian down for a nap, I go to the laundry room to see if she is ok. I say hello and ask if she has eaten breakfast and all I get is a “yes.” I leave it at that. She works around the house as I am doing some volunteer work and finally she asks if she can talk to me. I know what’s coming…

She grabs the calendar and says “I want to find you new nanny and I can stay until…” I cut her off and say “No that’s ok, you can go today. You can finish whatever work you were doing, show me the things you do and where you put things since I won’t have a replacement for a while and I will pay you at the end of the day and you can go.” She starts to get emotional and thanks me for her job here. She explains it is nothing we did but that she is having some issues with her sadness and anger that she needs to handle.  She says “I just want to be alone all of the time.”  (Sounds like classic depression to me.) I agree and suggest seeing a doctor to get a prescription, she said the doctor gave her one and she is starting to take it. I explain to her that she needs to get well so that she can get another job, no employer will put up with the anger and sadness for as long as we did. She asks if she can work part time and I tell her that will probably not work. She asks if she can come clean once a week until we find a replacement. I explain that I will talk to Chris and let him decide. I tell her that my number one priority is Killian’s safety and I worry that with her being so sad that she would hurt my son. She starts to cry and says how much she loves Killian and would never harm him, when I look in her eyes I believe what she says.

We didn’t leave on bad terms and to be honest I am glad this was all her idea and I didn’t have to be the bad guy when we let her go. I know she is going through something right now that she can’t control. All I can do right now for her is to say prayers that God will heal her heart that is broken. I can tell you that today, with just Killi and I here at the house, I/we feel amazing. I didn’t have to wonder if she was going to show up, if she was going to be nice or hateful, how my day would be if she was in an awful mood again or how Killi would react to the bad mood. Instead we started our day off happy with play time, story time, laughter and joy.

To have a helper here in Bangkok is an amazing gift. Life isn’t as easy (managing a toddler) as it is in the states, where a trip to the store might only take 30 minutes, you can drive to see a friend and be there in 10 minutes or if you need a break you can drop the kid off with the grandparents for the weekend. It is very different here… a trip to the store can take 1-2 hours based on the traffic and you maneuvering a kid and groceries and dealing with taxis or tuk tuks. There are no grandparent here that you can bribe into watching your kid just so you can have a moment of peace or go to the doctor. There is no freedom that a car provides to just see a friend (real quick). For example, this weekend I spent 15 minutes trying to get a cab and then 30 minutes in the cab to go 2 blocks to visit a friend! It isn’t bad here, just different. I will enjoy (hopefully without losing my mind) my stay at home mom time with Killian and be very patient and picky when it comes to hiring the next helper.