Maybe we are crazy…

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But we are going to try again for another baby…

Sometimes life just happens. Miscarriages happen for no real reason other than it’s the body’s way of natural selection due to an embryo that is not strong enough to survive. Then again there are times when some of us find out we have issues. Problems going on inside of us that we have no idea about or control over; these issues make it more difficult for us to have children. It’s sometimes hard for me to imagine the possibility of not having another child or really just not being able to. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that you are healthy, financially established, your family is ready to add another person, all of the stars and planets seem aligned but you just can’t make it happen.

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The Peace Which Only God Can Give

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The last post was very difficult to write. It is just so right now and hard to process but I do know when I pray for peace God will always provide. It’s always hard to go through a loss but at the moment I am not mourning my baby. I do believe I have three angels waiting for me in Heaven; I will see them again.

Weeks ago, before the bad news was confirmed, as I prayed I had promised I would accept God’s plan for my life without complaint. I am mourning the loss of joy, the loss of normal. I have been feeling very sad, which is not a normal emotion for me; I’m usually pretty happy. I don’t think it’s depression but grief. Every day when Killi is away at therapy for the past week, I would nap. Yesterday, I realized this is what was keeping me down. Instead of praying, reading, getting out of the house or doing anything that might help this situation I would try to sleep the feelings away. Clearly this does not work… As I lay in the bed yesterday afternoon just wishing for normal to come back into my life and to feel happy again, I realized I had to take the first step. I read an article which helped me to see that God needs us to help ourselves a little (read the article here if you are interested).

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Life is full of …

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Disappointments but it’s also full of beauty.

The first miscarriage was difficult to understand being so young. The second miscarriage was a nightmare. Luckily, that is all over now.  I would say there will always be a hole in my heart and it will always hurt but I have accepted what has happened and have moved on.

The second miscarriage was so traumatic; we had no desire to try for another kid anytime soon. We needed time to heal. Then all of a sudden around February the baby bug had bit me. I started to ask if Chris was ready, he was hesitant but then one day he was ready to have another kid.

That’s why this third miscarriage has been more difficult for us. This was the first time in our marriage we had started planning for a kid. We wanted to grow our family. With each month that passed, as we were trying there were tears as “that time of the month” came around signaling there was no baby. Then one day, we had a positive pregnancy test.

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Trouble in Paradise

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“I have a 9 month old, who cries all the time, who is not an “easy” baby. He doesn’t sleep… What have I done? Why am I a mom? What was God thinking? Clearly he was confused because this is not me! I am not the mommy type. I will never have another kid! This is insane! Why would anyone have more than one?

Wait a second… wasn’t I supposed to have my period already? Wait… it’s been… O GOOD GOD! I’M LATE! NO NO NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT… I am just stressed. I have a kid, who is clearly manic, that would cause anyone to miss their period! Yes that’s it. Maybe I should take a test? No… I don’t need a test I am sure it will come tomorrow… but it would be nice to know if I am… Where is that freaking pregnancy test!? D*&% it! Where is that thing!? I have to do this while the kid is napping for 5 minutes; its instant results that should be fast enough. Ok found the test… take a breath… here we go.”

One minute goes by: “No. No. No. That is not a line. Nope.” I start to shake it like a Polaroid picture to make that extra line go away. “O MY GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! WE CAN’T BE PREGNANT! WE USE NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! NO!”

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“We’re On a Mission from God”

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As some of you may know The Blues Brothers is one of my all time favorite movies. My brother and I (and yes even my mom and dad) could (probably between the four of us) quote that entire movie to you. With our move to Thailand and the strong calling God has placed on my heart to work at the orphanage, I can’t help but see some similarities in my adventure today and that of Jake and Elwood Blues.

The Blues Brothers synopsis: Two brothers, with a not so perfect reputation, go back to visit the orphanage where they were raised. The nun, affectionately referred to as “The Penguin” informs them that the school is going to be closed and the only way to save it is to raise $5,000 in 11 days! When they hear this, the good Lord speaks to them and they decide they “have to get the band back together” for one last show. They are convinced nothing can touch them because “they are on a mission from God.” If you haven’t seen this awesome 1980s classic, please do yourself a favor and watch it!

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Answering The Call

“Uncertainty is everywhere. But I am living in the midst of the uncertainty and risk, amid things that can and do bring physical destruction, because I am running from things that can destroy my soul: complacency, comfort, and ignorance. I am much more terrified of living a comfortable life in a self-serving society and failing to follow Jesus than I am of any illness or tragedy. Jesus called His… followers to be a lot of things, but I have yet to find where He warned us to be safe. We are not called to be safe, we are simply promised that when we are in danger, God is right there with us. And there is no better place to be than in His hands.”

Excerpt From: Katie J. Davis & Beth Clark. “Kisses from Katie.” Howard Books. iBooks. This material may be protected by copyright.

This is an excerpt from the book “Kisses from Katie,” which I am currently reading thanks to a dear friend that heard “the call” to send it to me.  I am only in the first fifty pages but WOW is this young woman an inspiration to me.  She heard the call and answered without hesitation.  If only all Christians could respond in the way that she has done.  Katie is a young girl and at the age of 18 heard Gods call to help the orphans in Uganda.  She decided against her wonderful life back in the states, left her friends, and a college education to go care for the sick and needy.

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