The last post was very difficult to write. It is just so right now and hard to process but I do know when I pray for peace God will always provide. It’s always hard to go through a loss but at the moment I am not mourning my baby. I do believe I have three angels waiting for me in Heaven; I will see them again.

Weeks ago, before the bad news was confirmed, as I prayed I had promised I would accept God’s plan for my life without complaint. I am mourning the loss of joy, the loss of normal. I have been feeling very sad, which is not a normal emotion for me; I’m usually pretty happy. I don’t think it’s depression but grief. Every day when Killi is away at therapy for the past week, I would nap. Yesterday, I realized this is what was keeping me down. Instead of praying, reading, getting out of the house or doing anything that might help this situation I would try to sleep the feelings away. Clearly this does not work… As I lay in the bed yesterday afternoon just wishing for normal to come back into my life and to feel happy again, I realized I had to take the first step. I read an article which helped me to see that God needs us to help ourselves a little (read the article here if you are interested).

I had to coach myself.

Becky. You need to pray. I know you don’t want to talk to God right now but He is the only one that can help you out of this. Pray for help. Put the pride away and pray. (So I prayed- nothing amazing, nothing moving- a simple PLEASE GOD GET ME OUT OF THIS BED. PLEASE BRING LIGHT BACK INTO MY LIFE. AMEN.) Ok you prayed now next step- get up. Open the blinds. Ok next step, get a shower. You are clean now, go eat some lunch. Turn on the news, just whatever you do please do not get back in the bed.

I had made it out of the bed. Mission accomplished.

God does not take our joy away ever but when we feel like we have lost it he can help us get it back. I believe he will send the right people to help make that happen when you need it most. I have made a new friend here in Bangkok, who is very encouraging and persistent and I appreciate that. She helped me to get to mass (church) last night to pray. I explained to her I have nothing to pray about when she invited me the other day- when I was really bummed out. She kept on encouraging and said “that’s ok, just be there.”

I am so grateful for her pushing and so grateful I was able to sit in the quiet and pray. Again, I am just a simple girl. I have no amazing words to pray, it’s never been my strong suit. I begged for God to take away the darkness. Bring the joy back and help me to feel normal again. I asked to be back in his presence. I asked that he would show me through my suffering that it was all worth it.

PLEASE GOD, SHOW ME WHAT I AM DOING HERE. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON.

Like I said… nothing fancy but that little time I had in church healed my soul. As I arrive home, God had answered my prayer. People started messaging me during the evening; people I haven’t talked to in years and some I don’t even know sharing how the story has helped them and how my writing has shown them that God provides in the hardest times. The story gave hope.

Thank you God. It helped someone in the way you wanted it to.

The only way, I am able to write and share any of this is because of all of your prayers and support. Your petitions to Heaven on my behalf are being heard and I believe they are the only reason that I have the strength to share this, even when it feels like my fingers are 100lbs each as I type it all out; thank you. Thank you for the support. Thank you for sharing this story with your friends and family. Thank you for your love. Thank you for the prayers. You have no idea what your kinds words do for my heart.

I am at peace. I will trust YOUR plan. I will praise YOU in the good times and in the bad.

I believe one day it will all work out. 

Previous posts in this series:

• Life is full of…
• Redemption 
• You can’t be serious
• Trouble in paradise 
• Miracles: Apparently they do happen
• We talk in whispers