Maybe we are crazy…

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But we are going to try again for another baby…

Sometimes life just happens. Miscarriages happen for no real reason other than it’s the body’s way of natural selection due to an embryo that is not strong enough to survive. Then again there are times when some of us find out we have issues. Problems going on inside of us that we have no idea about or control over; these issues make it more difficult for us to have children. It’s sometimes hard for me to imagine the possibility of not having another child or really just not being able to. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that you are healthy, financially established, your family is ready to add another person, all of the stars and planets seem aligned but you just can’t make it happen.

As you know through my blog I try to be open and honest and share every aspect of our journey in the hopes it might help someone reading it. After our last miscarriage about a month ago, our doctor recommended testing to see what might be going on with me and why we have had three consecutive losses, also known as “recurring miscarriages”. Today I am at the doctor’s office waiting for an ultrasound to start the process of testing.

It’s hard to say how this will turn out.  We could hear “Good news! There is nothing wrong with you! Maybe it won’t happen again” or “Bad news… We found something and it doesn’t look good.” I will try and stay positive maybe after all the tests it will be as simple as “we found X is wrong and now all we need to do is Y & Z and it will all be fixed!”

During pregnancy sometimes your body produces cysts and today was an appointment for an ultrasound to make sure after surgery everything is back to normal and the cyst is gone. I am happy to report at the moment everything looks normal. After the ultrasound, we talked about the next steps.

The plan is to do blood work, which I did today after my appointment. First  of all, the blood test will see if my body is creating antibodies within me that in essence is fight the pregnancy like a disease; ending in a miscarriage. If that is the case this can be fixed with medicine, which will give us a better chance for the next pregnancy. Secondly, the blood test will also look to see if there is anything wrong with my chromosomes and the same goes for Chris. If there is something wrong on that end, there really isn’t anything we can do. The doctor told me that we have a 50/50 chance each time we get pregnant that it might work out. I feel like I might have better odds in Vegas. He understands my religious reasons, as a catholic that we are not looking to do IVF. He did explain that normally if his patients end up having these chromosomal issues this is when he starts the IVF process with them to pick the best embryos that they hope will survive.

After I left the hospital today, having waited 3 hours for my appointment, and missing my boy before his bed time; I was in a very sad mood and to top it off it started pouring rain and I didn’t have my umbrella… I almost felt the rain was appropriate for the way I was feeling. I believe God has a plan and I’m not worried about that at all. I accept his plan for my family and our lives. Although lately, I have been having a hard time with “feeling broken” in that I just can’t make the pregnancy work on my end. This is something only someone who has gone through this can understand. It’s not logical; it’s a mental battle going on in my head that springs up when Chris and I confirm to each other that we want to try again. I had met a lady last week who said “maybe it’s the subconscious trying to protect itself from going through another trauma”, which I am sure is possible but I don’t know much about that.

Since I was feeling this way the other day I started praying. The one thing that kept coming to mind was “you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” I didn’t know the verse by heart but just saying those words over and over helped me to stop feeling so “broken”. Then today when I was bummed and not looking forward to the process and results of testing, I had a friend remind me of this verse; not knowing I had been praying this to myself last week. It was the reassurance I needed to keep going, to stay strong, and snap out of it. My next appointment is September 5th, and then we will have results.

God knows me and he knew me before I was ever on this earth. He also knows you! He knows every hair on your head. You are his perfect creation. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not broken. If you are struggling with this same issue of infertility, you are not broken! I am enough for my family and you are enough for yours! Your husband and children (if you have any) love you for you not for what you can give! God has a plan for us and if by some chance that means no more children, we must accept this, pray for peace, and pour out all of our love to the family we do have!

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2 comments

  1. Take God’s lead and follow your heart. And remember His ways are not our ways. We think we know what’s best for us, but God knows the number of hairs on our bodies. He know all. Praying for you, Killi, and chris.


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