But we are going to try again for another baby…
Sometimes life just happens. Miscarriages happen for no real reason other than it’s the body’s way of natural selection due to an embryo that is not strong enough to survive. Then again there are times when some of us find out we have issues. Problems going on inside of us that we have no idea about or control over; these issues make it more difficult for us to have children. It’s sometimes hard for me to imagine the possibility of not having another child or really just not being able to. It’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that you are healthy, financially established, your family is ready to add another person, all of the stars and planets seem aligned but you just can’t make it happen.
The last post was very difficult to write. It is just so right now and hard to process but I do know when I pray for peace God will always provide. It’s always hard to go through a loss but at the moment I am not mourning my baby. I do believe I have three angels waiting for me in Heaven; I will see them again.
Weeks ago, before the bad news was confirmed, as I prayed I had promised I would accept God’s plan for my life without complaint. I am mourning the loss of joy, the loss of normal. I have been feeling very sad, which is not a normal emotion for me; I’m usually pretty happy. I don’t think it’s depression but grief. Every day when Killi is away at therapy for the past week, I would nap. Yesterday, I realized this is what was keeping me down. Instead of praying, reading, getting out of the house or doing anything that might help this situation I would try to sleep the feelings away. Clearly this does not work… As I lay in the bed yesterday afternoon just wishing for normal to come back into my life and to feel happy again, I realized I had to take the first step. I read an article which helped me to see that God needs us to help ourselves a little (read the article here if you are interested).
Disappointments but it’s also full of beauty.
The first miscarriage was difficult to understand being so young. The second miscarriage was a nightmare. Luckily, that is all over now. I would say there will always be a hole in my heart and it will always hurt but I have accepted what has happened and have moved on.
The second miscarriage was so traumatic; we had no desire to try for another kid anytime soon. We needed time to heal. Then all of a sudden around February the baby bug had bit me. I started to ask if Chris was ready, he was hesitant but then one day he was ready to have another kid.
That’s why this third miscarriage has been more difficult for us. This was the first time in our marriage we had started planning for a kid. We wanted to grow our family. With each month that passed, as we were trying there were tears as “that time of the month” came around signaling there was no baby. Then one day, we had a positive pregnancy test.
I told you an awful but very true story of what happened with my second loss in 2013. I had to share that with you so you can know that even in our darkest hour there is redemption around the corner.
I always allow myself to be there for others when they need help. It’s just what I do. I want to help everyone but I don’t want anyone to help me. Whether I do not feel worthy of help or my pride tells me you can handle it alone or I just don’t want to be a burden on someone; I keep a lot of things bottled up, buried deep down and I hardly cry… It shows weakness. I prefer the emotion of anger, well I don’t really like being angry but that’s where my emotions go automatically. I don’t cry; I get pissed and then I get raging mad. This doesn’t happen like it used to before I let Christ back into my life. But with this awful experience, rage reared its ugly head and I had thought Satan had almost won.
With my second miscarriage, I will have two stories to share with you. This post will be about my horrific experience with the hospital and doctor. What you read here will make you cringe and you might even read it and think “there is no way this is real. She has to be exaggerating.” My story is so insane; I wish I was making it all up. It haunts me to this day even though it was a year ago.
I have to share with you the suffering and hell I went through to explain (in the second part of this story) the redemption and how my faith saved me from falling into the abyss of despair. I have never been so close to giving up on my faith. Thank God my cousin, Whitney, was there to pull me back at the right moment.
So let’s begin shall we with the story of the most horrific medical experience of my life and if we were in the States I would have a lawsuit that would set me up financially for a very long time.
As most of you know, I cling to my faith to get me through the day to day; like a rat clinging to a piece of drift wood after the ship has been engulfed by the tossing sea. This is how I feel most of the time. I didn’t realize until a week ago, I had been a recipient of a miracle. As a Christian, I believe in miracles. I believe prayer changes things. I believe in divine intervention. I believe God is in control. I just never thought a miracle would ever happen to me…
I am very serious about being confident in God’s perfect plan for my life. Most of the time, I feel like I am just holding on for dear life because it comes at me so quickly. I guess that’s just part of the fun of “enjoying the ride”.
I wanted to share with you my bold leaps out of my comfort zone into something totally new where I believe God is calling me. I am so excited about these different opportunities because I know I will learn so much that will lead to great career path prospects down the road.
In 2014, I plan on shaking things up a bit. I am going to try something new and if I fall flat on my face, at least I can say I did something totally out of my comfort zone.
I am going to be confident!
“Uncertainty is everywhere. But I am living in the midst of the uncertainty and risk, amid things that can and do bring physical destruction, because I am running from things that can destroy my soul: complacency, comfort, and ignorance. I am much more terrified of living a comfortable life in a self-serving society and failing to follow Jesus than I am of any illness or tragedy. Jesus called His… followers to be a lot of things, but I have yet to find where He warned us to be safe. We are not called to be safe, we are simply promised that when we are in danger, God is right there with us. And there is no better place to be than in His hands.”
Excerpt From: Katie J. Davis & Beth Clark. “Kisses from Katie.” Howard Books. iBooks. This material may be protected by copyright.
This is an excerpt from the book “Kisses from Katie,” which I am currently reading thanks to a dear friend that heard “the call” to send it to me. I am only in the first fifty pages but WOW is this young woman an inspiration to me. She heard the call and answered without hesitation. If only all Christians could respond in the way that she has done. Katie is a young girl and at the age of 18 heard Gods call to help the orphans in Uganda. She decided against her wonderful life back in the states, left her friends, and a college education to go care for the sick and needy.