Prayers answered and fears realized

To keep this story going is not an easy thing to do but again I am feeling compelled to share my experience in a very truthful sometimes not very politically correct way regarding my feelings about my miscarriages and pregnancies. You can read my previous posts to better understand where I am on this journey….

I was like any woman who wanted to have more children but wasn’t having any luck. I was obsessed about it, internally. I would say “I’m trying not to think about it” but it was all I could think about.

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The Peace Which Only God Can Give

The last post was very difficult to write. It is just so right now and hard to process but I do know when I pray for peace God will always provide. It’s always hard to go through a loss but at the moment I am not mourning my baby. I do believe I have three angels waiting for me in Heaven; I will see them again.

Weeks ago, before the bad news was confirmed, as I prayed I had promised I would accept God’s plan for my life without complaint. I am mourning the loss of joy, the loss of normal. I have been feeling very sad, which is not a normal emotion for me; I’m usually pretty happy. I don’t think it’s depression but grief. Every day when Killi is away at therapy for the past week, I would nap. Yesterday, I realized this is what was keeping me down. Instead of praying, reading, getting out of the house or doing anything that might help this situation I would try to sleep the feelings away. Clearly this does not work… As I lay in the bed yesterday afternoon just wishing for normal to come back into my life and to feel happy again, I realized I had to take the first step. I read an article which helped me to see that God needs us to help ourselves a little (read the article here if you are interested).

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Life is full of …

Disappointments but it’s also full of beauty.

The first miscarriage was difficult to understand being so young. The second miscarriage was a nightmare. Luckily, that is all over now. I would say there will always be a hole in my heart and it will always hurt but I have accepted what has happened and have moved on.

The second miscarriage was so traumatic; we had no desire to try for another kid anytime soon. We needed time to heal. Then all of a sudden around February the baby bug had bit me. I started to ask if Chris was ready, he was hesitant but then one day he was ready to have another kid.

That’s why this third miscarriage has been more difficult for us. This was the first time in our marriage we had started planning for a kid. We wanted to grow our family. With each month that passed, as we were trying there were tears as “that time of the month” came around signaling there was no baby. Then one day, we had a positive pregnancy test.

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Redemption

I told you an awful but very true story of what happened with my second loss in 2013. I had to share that with you so you can know that even in our darkest hour there is redemption around the corner.

I always allow myself to be there for others when they need help. It’s just what I do. I want to help everyone but I don’t want anyone to help me. Whether I do not feel worthy of help or my pride tells me you can handle it alone or I just don’t want to be a burden on someone; I keep a lot of things bottled up, buried deep down and I hardly cry… It shows weakness. I prefer the emotion of anger, well I don’t really like being angry but that’s where my emotions go automatically. I don’t cry; I get pissed and then I get raging mad. This doesn’t happen like it used to before I let Christ back into my life. But with this awful experience, rage reared its ugly head and I had thought Satan had almost won.

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Trouble in Paradise

“I have a 9 month old, who cries all the time, who is not an “easy” baby. He doesn’t sleep… What have I done? Why am I a mom? What was God thinking? Clearly he was confused because this is not me! I am not the mommy type. I will never have another kid! This is insane! Why would anyone have more than one?

Wait a second… wasn’t I supposed to have my period already? Wait… it’s been… O GOOD GOD! I’M LATE! NO NO NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT… I am just stressed. I have a kid, who is clearly manic, that would cause anyone to miss their period! Yes that’s it. Maybe I should take a test? No… I don’t need a test I am sure it will come tomorrow… but it would be nice to know if I am… Where is that freaking pregnancy test!? D*&% it! Where is that thing!? I have to do this while the kid is napping for 5 minutes; its instant results that should be fast enough. Ok found the test… take a breath… here we go.”

One minute goes by: “No. No. No. That is not a line. Nope.” I start to shake it like a Polaroid picture to make that extra line go away. “O MY GOD! WHAT IS HAPPENING!? THIS ISN’T HAPPENING! WE CAN’T BE PREGNANT! WE USE NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! WE ARE NOT TRYING TO GET PREGNANT! NO!”